[If Jaime knew how Killua would fall apart at that idea, maybe he'd take some comfort in knowing that this reaction, while clearly heavy, is not anything near what he'd be reacting with if Gon were the one in danger. Somehow, Alluka slips from his mind as something throbs at the back of his head. (Was she even there to begin with?)]
We were almost at the nest. Kite was really, really powerful, but this ant-- it came out of nowhere.
[He closes his eyes tighter, preventing any of the tears working up in his eyes from actually escaping. But his body begins to shake beneath that comforting hand. As fear resurfaces, so does sadness, and the scuffs on his hands are actually healing away beneath his hidden face, there.]
I've never felt an aura that powerful in my life. Nothing even close--! The second I felt it, Kite had already lost his arm!
[It's impossible to forget that look that followed. The fear that gripped him then grips him now, and the throbbing in his head only gets worse. Maybe his body is tricked into thinking he's in danger now. He's not sure, but he can't focus enough to think on it. He can only tense and struggle to keep himself more together than he had with Jojo.
Even if the tears aren't really coming out, sadness shows itself further in the way he chokes out his words.]
Gon was angry; he was going to fight back. We were going to die too if I didn't do something, and so I knocked out Gon and I ran! I left Kite! I left him there to die!
He wakes up and tells me that everything's going to be fine, that I did what I should have because we could save Kite, but that's wrong! It's all wrong! Kite was here until recently, too, and he told me himself--!
[Damn-- Damn. He curls in on himself more, hands parting from each other to grip at his head. It hurts now. He forces his volume back down despite himself.] He's dead. And if Gon finds out, there's no way he'll react calmly... There's no way he'll be okay.
[Jaime will never say what he feels at that explanation out loud, not to Killua and certainly not to anyone else. Relief and happiness slam into him like a brick wall once he realizes that though he's gone into an awful situation, Gon is alive. Thank god, he thinks to himself. Thank god.
It probably makes him a terrible person to be happy at someone else dying, and he'll feel guilty about it later, but even he can't be a good person all the time. Past his relief, however, is the all-too predictable horror of what Gon and Killua are facing back home, and the things they've already seen, and the things they have yet to see.]
Oh, Killua, [he says, nothing but dismay in his voice, and it doesn't take him long after that to wrap him up in a hug. There's not much else he can say, not much else he can do, but he gives good hugs. His whole family does.
He's not sure if it will be a welcome gesture, but it's the first thing to pop into his head.]
I'm so sorry.
[And he is. He's just not as sorry as he would be if it were Gon that had died.]
[It's not unwelcome, but it doesn't feel right. Jonathan had given him one too, and while it was warm and comforting just like this one, he felt guilty just accepting it. Why should anyone feel sorry for him? If somehow he could have done something to warn Kite, or if they hadn't gone in to distract him at all. He should have picked up on that aura sooner, but he hesitated. And then, he had to leave him to die.
All of it was wrong.]
Hisoka... He let it slip that Gon gets really hurt later, but he wouldn't tell me anything aside from it being my fault and that I fix it.
[It's muffled and quiet compared to the earlier works as he reluctantly sinks into that hug, or at least halfway sinks into it.] I'm sorry I didn't tell you or anyone else. I'm just selfish.
Nobody will be mad at you for not telling anyone, Killua. It's okay to be selfish sometimes.
[His stomach twists at the thought of Gon getting really hurt, and while his first instinct is to assert that Hisoka was just lying to get a rise out of Killua... for all his faults, Hisoka has never been anything but honest, as far as Jaime could tell. What did he have to gain from telling Killua something like that?]
[He considers that for a moment, letting the hug linger for a few seconds longer before one of his arms raise. It's half like a return hug, but it's incredibly brief. With just that quick touch, he's pulling back and rubbing at his eyes with the other hand, scrubbing them dry.]
...I'm fine, really. It's Gon that I'm worried about. I need to be with him, whether it's here or there.
[Jaime pulls back as soon as Killua does. And there it is again, he thinks to himself, the sentiment that what Killua wants doesn't really matter so long as he's with Gon. That can't be a good thing, but now's not the time to talk about it.]
You know that no time is actually passing back in our homes, right? That means that even if he gets to move forward in time to catch up with you, he's still gonna be with you.
I know. [That's what they say, at least. He hasn't heard any specific evidence, but people have been here long enough that he's willing to assume in this case. Especially when it's a more positive thought.]
But it's still not enough. And now I'm-- [All alone.
But that sounds dumb, and he cuts himself off, bringing his hands to his lap and staring at them for ten seconds or so. Once he's finished with that, he lifts his gaze back to Jaime, lightening it up considerably, even if it does seem to be a jump-started motion.]
Sorry. I know things should work out, but Gon's the one who's positive and stubborn. I'm just used to telling him to look at things more realistically.
Then we'll look at things realistically, [Jaime says agreeably, tugging his legs up onto the bed so he can sit cross-legged, facing Killua.]
No matter what happens, you'll see him again, whether it's here or back in your guys' home. But he might be ported back in again. A friend of mine got ported out recently, and I was pretty sad about it, but he just got brought back in again.
[And that had made him sad again, but for entirely different reasons.]
So we've got precedent for that, at least. And if he doesn't wind up coming back... [He tilts his head, considering. He's no mind reader, but he knows how isolating this place can feel, and how much it means to have a friend from home around.
But he also knows how much his new friends mean to him.]
Then at least you're not alone here. It'll all work out, you'll see.
[The first portion does wonders to comfort him. So it isn't just a stretch? It's happened before that someone came back recently. The second, though... Well. He's pretty stubborn himself, and he's got some negative thoughts about being without Gon.
Not alone... He guesses not. Somehow, he's been able to make friends. But none of them are his best friend. Is it wrong to think this way? It's his first experience dealing with this sort of thing. Can he have lots of friends but have them ultimately mean less than one without demeaning their value too?
He decides in the end that saying 'I don't want to be anywhere Gon isn't' is pretty lame sounding, and looks across his room.]
Maybe I don't really know much about friendship, but... Is it really okay if I haven't been talking to any of my friends here? I don't know what to say. It's been easier just to focus on training.
...Yeah. Yeah, I can see why it's easier that way.
[He gets it. When he's sad, there's nothing he wants more to go flying, to go somewhere and be alone for a little while, but somehow, he always ends up back home where he belongs.
The difference here is that Killua hasn't bent quite yet. He needs to learn how to reach out to people, Jaime thinks. Maybe Killua's gotten good at surviving without having to rely on anyone else, but life's a whole lot better when you do.]
It's okay to concentrate on what you have to for a while to get you past the first hump, but you have to reach out to talk to us eventually. If you don't, we'll be reaching out to you, [Jaime adds on with a crooked smile.] That's what friends are for.
[That crooked smile earns a much more genuine one from Killua. Right. They do do that, don't they. Looking back to when he retreated home out of nowhere and all three of his friends from back home showed up...
He lets out a soft sort of half-laugh.]
I guess you're right. [Take that, big bro. He's making even more friends.] I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have friends like these.
And you're just gonna end up collecting more of them, just you wait.
[Especially if the network had been any indication; if the imPort community has a soft spot for anyone, it's kids. Killua could probably beat the lot of them up with one hand tied behind his back, but not everything boiled down to being able to fight around here.]
So, [he says, clapping his hands on his knees for emphasis.] Think you might want to step away from the non-stop training for a while? Some off time will be good for you.
[With that being the first thing he says, it might come off as worrying. He's staring down at his own hands, now, after shifting to cross legs himself. Occasionally, he'll allow some of his nen to spark like lightning between his thumb and index finger. A nervous habit in front of anyone he's okay with showing his abilities to.
Only a second passes before he's quick to add on:] But I guess I can take some breaks and stuff. [He's not at home, here. And while there were things he needed to prepare for, he could do that steadily, as if he were still with Gon. ...Yeah. That sounded good.]
Like right now, I guess! What have you been doing lately, Jaime?
I wouldn't tell you to stop entirely. Just take some breaks every now and then.
[More than 'every now and then' would be ideal, but tiny steps! It's probably good that Killua continues his training. If there's one thing that Jaime's learned about his own training, it's that it's not at all about trying to get stronger - it's about controlling that strength. That's something that Killua needs to keep up, knowing even the small amount that he does.
As for what he's been doing...]
Eh, nothing interesting. Been doing a lotta Christmas shopping, and showing a few people some of the celebrations.
[He and Bart went on a cross-country tour of Christmas events of America, because that's a responsible use of superpowers.]
Oh! Speaking of which - if Gon and Alluka aren't back by Christmas, you can come and spend Christmas with me and Brenda, if you like.
[It's good, he thinks, that Jaime brought this up to him. Honestly, he'd been so focused on training that he hadn't realized he could be doing it too much. But there really was a difference between trying to push himself 24/7 and Bisky putting him on a schedule. There was no second perspective to look at his improvement from an objective view. There was no guidance. He could be making things worse.
He smiles a little, thinking fondly of the friendships he's gained here when Jaime brings up Christmas.
At that, he looks surprised.]
Eh?? Really? [Half disbelieving and half touched, he points at himself.] But I don't even know who Brenda is! Would she really be okay with something like that?
[It sounds like an interruption more than anything.]
Trust me, I know Brenda. I'm still gonna ask, but she'll say yes, [Jaime says, nothing but confidence in his voice. Brenda's a great deal more prickly than him - though that doesn't take much - but he knows how good she is down to her very bones. She won't turn away a lonely kid on Christmas.]
That's right. The one I've known for basically forever. You'll have to meet her for yourself, but you'll like her. She's nice.
[The best way to sum her up is, Jaime considers, that they're as close as Gon and Killua are. For as long as he can remember, it's always been him, Brenda, and Paco, like one of the stable truths of the world. And for as long as he can remember, they've assumed it was going to stay that way. Maybe they'd wind up as lawyers or married or parents or superheroes, but they would always be together.
This place is just a temporary wrench in that.]
She's like... [He tilts his head back, thinking.] You said that you were the logical one, between you and Gon? That's her.
[...then again, Jaime himself is pretty logical. Brenda's just smarter.]
[That gets Killua to shift from staring curiously to looking pretty amused by that answer. He snickers, pointing at Jaime accusingly.]
So she keeps you in check? [Someone has to, he assumes. Jaime may be a lot more calm and collected and intellectual than Gon, but Killua is sure he's reckless, at least in some areas! That whole Hisoka incident comes to mind.]
Now I have to meet her! Maybe she'll tell me all your secretly lame habits.
Brenda, can you let me copy your homework, I forgot!
Brenda, why are you calling me so mu-- I SLEPT THROUGH FIRST PERIOD.
Brenda, can you forge a signature for me?
Brenda, I can't read my own notes please help.
Brenda, I need to disappear for two days help me think of an excuse can you pretend I threw up on you.
Maybe I should just chase after that guy! No? Why not?
...Okay, maybe she does, a little bit. Jaime rocks backwards with an offended sounding huff and proclaims,] And I am totally open about my lame habits, thank you very much.
[He'll get the real story from Brenda, rest assured. He's determined.]
Hmph, I'll see about that. [He's going digging for blackmail level material, it's his new mission.] But okay! Let her know and then just tell me if it turns out she doesn't want to, after all.
[Just look at this face, doesn't it scream innocence? But at least this sort of talking seems to be distracting him enough from the situation. He does seem to be in a better mood.]
I don't believe you. But I already invited you, so I guess I can't take it back now, [Jaime teases, unable to keep the smile playing at the corners of his mouth off of his face. He's unhappy about what Killua had to tell him, unhappy that he and Gon have to go through so much, but if he can lighten his load for even a moment, that'll just have to be enough.]
Do you have any aller -- [Killua was probably fed poison as an infant.] -- you don't have any allergies, do you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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We were almost at the nest. Kite was really, really powerful, but this ant-- it came out of nowhere.
[He closes his eyes tighter, preventing any of the tears working up in his eyes from actually escaping. But his body begins to shake beneath that comforting hand. As fear resurfaces, so does sadness, and the scuffs on his hands are actually healing away beneath his hidden face, there.]
I've never felt an aura that powerful in my life. Nothing even close--! The second I felt it, Kite had already lost his arm!
[It's impossible to forget that look that followed. The fear that gripped him then grips him now, and the throbbing in his head only gets worse. Maybe his body is tricked into thinking he's in danger now. He's not sure, but he can't focus enough to think on it. He can only tense and struggle to keep himself more together than he had with Jojo.
Even if the tears aren't really coming out, sadness shows itself further in the way he chokes out his words.]
Gon was angry; he was going to fight back. We were going to die too if I didn't do something, and so I knocked out Gon and I ran! I left Kite! I left him there to die!
He wakes up and tells me that everything's going to be fine, that I did what I should have because we could save Kite, but that's wrong! It's all wrong! Kite was here until recently, too, and he told me himself--!
[Damn-- Damn. He curls in on himself more, hands parting from each other to grip at his head. It hurts now. He forces his volume back down despite himself.] He's dead. And if Gon finds out, there's no way he'll react calmly... There's no way he'll be okay.
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It probably makes him a terrible person to be happy at someone else dying, and he'll feel guilty about it later, but even he can't be a good person all the time. Past his relief, however, is the all-too predictable horror of what Gon and Killua are facing back home, and the things they've already seen, and the things they have yet to see.]
Oh, Killua, [he says, nothing but dismay in his voice, and it doesn't take him long after that to wrap him up in a hug. There's not much else he can say, not much else he can do, but he gives good hugs. His whole family does.
He's not sure if it will be a welcome gesture, but it's the first thing to pop into his head.]
I'm so sorry.
[And he is. He's just not as sorry as he would be if it were Gon that had died.]
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All of it was wrong.]
Hisoka... He let it slip that Gon gets really hurt later, but he wouldn't tell me anything aside from it being my fault and that I fix it.
[It's muffled and quiet compared to the earlier works as he reluctantly sinks into that hug, or at least halfway sinks into it.] I'm sorry I didn't tell you or anyone else. I'm just selfish.
I just wanted to stay here with him.
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[His stomach twists at the thought of Gon getting really hurt, and while his first instinct is to assert that Hisoka was just lying to get a rise out of Killua... for all his faults, Hisoka has never been anything but honest, as far as Jaime could tell. What did he have to gain from telling Killua something like that?]
You've got a lot on your plate.
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...I'm fine, really. It's Gon that I'm worried about. I need to be with him, whether it's here or there.
[He'll follow him. It doesn't matter.]
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You know that no time is actually passing back in our homes, right? That means that even if he gets to move forward in time to catch up with you, he's still gonna be with you.
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But it's still not enough. And now I'm-- [All alone.
But that sounds dumb, and he cuts himself off, bringing his hands to his lap and staring at them for ten seconds or so. Once he's finished with that, he lifts his gaze back to Jaime, lightening it up considerably, even if it does seem to be a jump-started motion.]
Sorry. I know things should work out, but Gon's the one who's positive and stubborn. I'm just used to telling him to look at things more realistically.
[He's off balance, here.]
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No matter what happens, you'll see him again, whether it's here or back in your guys' home. But he might be ported back in again. A friend of mine got ported out recently, and I was pretty sad about it, but he just got brought back in again.
[And that had made him sad again, but for entirely different reasons.]
So we've got precedent for that, at least. And if he doesn't wind up coming back... [He tilts his head, considering. He's no mind reader, but he knows how isolating this place can feel, and how much it means to have a friend from home around.
But he also knows how much his new friends mean to him.]
Then at least you're not alone here. It'll all work out, you'll see.
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Not alone... He guesses not. Somehow, he's been able to make friends. But none of them are his best friend. Is it wrong to think this way? It's his first experience dealing with this sort of thing. Can he have lots of friends but have them ultimately mean less than one without demeaning their value too?
He decides in the end that saying 'I don't want to be anywhere Gon isn't' is pretty lame sounding, and looks across his room.]
Maybe I don't really know much about friendship, but... Is it really okay if I haven't been talking to any of my friends here? I don't know what to say. It's been easier just to focus on training.
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[He gets it. When he's sad, there's nothing he wants more to go flying, to go somewhere and be alone for a little while, but somehow, he always ends up back home where he belongs.
The difference here is that Killua hasn't bent quite yet. He needs to learn how to reach out to people, Jaime thinks. Maybe Killua's gotten good at surviving without having to rely on anyone else, but life's a whole lot better when you do.]
It's okay to concentrate on what you have to for a while to get you past the first hump, but you have to reach out to talk to us eventually. If you don't, we'll be reaching out to you, [Jaime adds on with a crooked smile.] That's what friends are for.
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He lets out a soft sort of half-laugh.]
I guess you're right. [Take that, big bro. He's making even more friends.] I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have friends like these.
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[Especially if the network had been any indication; if the imPort community has a soft spot for anyone, it's kids. Killua could probably beat the lot of them up with one hand tied behind his back, but not everything boiled down to being able to fight around here.]
So, [he says, clapping his hands on his knees for emphasis.] Think you might want to step away from the non-stop training for a while? Some off time will be good for you.
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[With that being the first thing he says, it might come off as worrying. He's staring down at his own hands, now, after shifting to cross legs himself. Occasionally, he'll allow some of his nen to spark like lightning between his thumb and index finger. A nervous habit in front of anyone he's okay with showing his abilities to.
Only a second passes before he's quick to add on:] But I guess I can take some breaks and stuff. [He's not at home, here. And while there were things he needed to prepare for, he could do that steadily, as if he were still with Gon. ...Yeah. That sounded good.]
Like right now, I guess! What have you been doing lately, Jaime?
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[More than 'every now and then' would be ideal, but tiny steps! It's probably good that Killua continues his training. If there's one thing that Jaime's learned about his own training, it's that it's not at all about trying to get stronger - it's about controlling that strength. That's something that Killua needs to keep up, knowing even the small amount that he does.
As for what he's been doing...]
Eh, nothing interesting. Been doing a lotta Christmas shopping, and showing a few people some of the celebrations.
[He and Bart went on a cross-country tour of Christmas events of America, because that's a responsible use of superpowers.]
Oh! Speaking of which - if Gon and Alluka aren't back by Christmas, you can come and spend Christmas with me and Brenda, if you like.
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He smiles a little, thinking fondly of the friendships he's gained here when Jaime brings up Christmas.
At that, he looks surprised.]
Eh?? Really? [Half disbelieving and half touched, he points at himself.] But I don't even know who Brenda is! Would she really be okay with something like that?
[It sounds like an interruption more than anything.]
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Have I really never mentioned her to you before?
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[Right? He blinks and leans back, letting his weight fall onto his two palms on the bed.] Is she the one you knew back home?
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[The best way to sum her up is, Jaime considers, that they're as close as Gon and Killua are. For as long as he can remember, it's always been him, Brenda, and Paco, like one of the stable truths of the world. And for as long as he can remember, they've assumed it was going to stay that way. Maybe they'd wind up as lawyers or married or parents or superheroes, but they would always be together.
This place is just a temporary wrench in that.]
She's like... [He tilts his head back, thinking.] You said that you were the logical one, between you and Gon? That's her.
[...then again, Jaime himself is pretty logical. Brenda's just smarter.]
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So she keeps you in check? [Someone has to, he assumes. Jaime may be a lot more calm and collected and intellectual than Gon, but Killua is sure he's reckless, at least in some areas! That whole Hisoka incident comes to mind.]
Now I have to meet her! Maybe she'll tell me all your secretly lame habits.
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[Brenda, did I miss anything in class?
Brenda, can you let me copy your homework, I forgot!
Brenda, why are you calling me so mu-- I SLEPT THROUGH FIRST PERIOD.
Brenda, can you forge a signature for me?
Brenda, I can't read my own notes please help.
Brenda, I need to disappear for two days help me think of an excuse can you pretend I threw up on you.
Maybe I should just chase after that guy! No? Why not?
...Okay, maybe she does, a little bit. Jaime rocks backwards with an offended sounding huff and proclaims,] And I am totally open about my lame habits, thank you very much.
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[He'll get the real story from Brenda, rest assured. He's determined.]
Hmph, I'll see about that. [He's going digging for blackmail level material, it's his new mission.] But okay! Let her know and then just tell me if it turns out she doesn't want to, after all.
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[He already knows the answer is yes, but that doesn't stop him from wagging a finger in Killua's face.]
And don't make me regret inviting you!
[Don't go digging for dirt, kid. There's too much of it!]
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[Just look at this face, doesn't it scream innocence? But at least this sort of talking seems to be distracting him enough from the situation. He does seem to be in a better mood.]
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Do you have any aller -- [Killua was probably fed poison as an infant.] -- you don't have any allergies, do you.
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[How right you are Jaime. But he says this with a playful smile, jabbing a thumb at himself.]
I like sweets the best, though. [But he already knew that, didn't he.]
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