[Oh. He gets this, and he realizes instantly it must be from how he's neglected to visit him lately. It's slipped his mind, honestly, with how much he's been thinking about. First Gon, but now Alluka-- so soon after introducing her here and there, too. It was probably for the best.
But what does he say here? It's awkward to be reached out to in this way. It happened so little, and only recently... Somehow, though, guilt is at the front of his mind when it comes to this text.]
sorry for not coming over lately its not that im not ok or anything im fine but gon and alluka were sent back home. i should have told you
You don't have to know Jaime that well to know that he doesn't buy Killua's claims that he's fine or that almost immediately, his heart bleeds for the kid. He doesn't say that. Instead...]
[He hasn't been up to too much, after all. Right now, he just so happened to be training his nen-- but he did that all the time, and much more recently than usual.]
[Which is all the notice Jaime gives Killua before he grabs his sweater, slips on his shoes, and jogs out the door. He doesn't believe Killua when he says that he's okay, but he can believe that Killua believes it.
If there's one thing he's learned during his stay here, it's that kids with traumatic childhoods - about half of the people here, he thinks, a bit gloomily - repress like crazy. It worries him that Killua's response to his friends and family being ported out was to, evidently, tell nobody and retreat inside his shell.
Which is why it's not long before Jaime's knocking at Killua's door - without checking to see whether or not it's unlocked. He's got manners.]
[When Killua answers the door, more obvious than the sadness he is feeling is the static electricity that's somehow surrounding him. His hair is sticking up more than usual, and his clothes can be heard holding it if anyone listened closely.
Of course, if that's not noticed, Jaime can be greeted with a shock at the first bump of physical contact. Woops.]
Hey, Jaime. [The smile's still there, despite it all, and Killua's trying to look bright. He does feel guilty for hiding away.] Let's head to my room.
[There were a lot of people here, so that was more his 'space' than the rest of it.]
[While others would rightfully notice Killua's hair standing on end, or the way his touch is enough to give him a shock, Jaime's able to notice it before he even opens the door. He can smell it on him like someone else would be able to smell cologne, the sharp - and not altogether unpleasant - scent of electricity coming off of him in waves. He can usually smell it when he goes about his business, but it's always a little different when he's up close and personal with an actual source.]
Hey, there. What've you been doing, sticking your fingers in sockets? [He asks as he follows Killua up to his room, and though there's a jokey sort of tone to his voice, he knows that there's more to it than just a little excess static. It's less important than his sister and Gon leaving, but it's a curiosity all the same.]
Hm? [He doesn't seem to find it weird that Jaime notices. In fact, he treats the whole thing casual on the way up. The rest of the people in his house haven't figured it out, but Jaime's someone he's trusted a lot to, so little comments like this were fine.]
Oh, no. I use a cut wire and wrap it around my hand. [He even gestures to illustrate it, and sure enough, that hand is looking a little scuffed up. (Though not nearly as much as it should be, all things considered.) He shuts the door behind them once they arrive, and his room is probably cleaner than one would expect.
The only thing is the bed is unmade and there is, in fact, a cord plugged into the socket with nothing attached.]
[Jaime frowns once he sees that wire sitting on the bed, but the Scarab is saying, very reasonably, that Killua is entirely unharmed. It probably has something to do with his powers (lightning powers, he thinks, kind of like the ones that Static has), but that doesn't make the idea of Killua purposely electrocuting himself ostensibly to train any more palatable.
He picks up the bit of torn wire that still has the protective covering wrapped securely around it, but not for any particular reason other than the fact that he's naturally fidgety. As he looks down at it, he answers, somewhat absently,] I'm just speedy.
[The topic is a welcome distraction, honestly. Which is the same as how he's been treating the training. Thinking "Gon will come back" or "I'll go home and meet Gon and remember my sister" are both things that he's been telling himself on repeat, stubbornly believing in an odd and new sort of naivete. It's what Gon would think. He needed to play his part while he was gone...]
Careful. [Yes, he's the one worriedly saying that to Jaime as he picks up the wire, protective portion or not.] I've been exposed to that sort of thing since I was born, so it doesn't really affect me. You can still hurt yourself!
[Safety first! Laughtrack on repeat.] Anyway...
[Speedy, that's one way of putting it. He hops to sit on the edge of his bed, feet dangling off the side as he watches Jaime with a small frown that's actually pretty shielded by default.] I've just been training, so I don't really know what you want to do. I don't have any cool snacks or anything like that here, either.
I'll be fine, [Jaime says with all the misplaced confidence of most people his age... though the superpowers certainly help! He winds up putting it down, but not until he unplugs it. The last thing he wants it doing is sparking and starting a fire.]
Don't worry, I didn't come to mooch off your snacks.
[That's Killua's job.]
I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know you said you're fine, but... did you just not tell anyone that they got Ported out?
[In a large sense, he does appreciate Jaime's concern. But pride rises stubbornly and he doesn't know how to react. There was Jojo, who he had gone to as the most adult figure he knew that was close to him. Someone that would listen and also understand the full story back home.
To everyone else who knew so little, it seemed unfair to dump all that on them. Even if this was genuine concern, and a good thing, he grew defensive.]
I said I was fine, so I'm fine!
[That's why that's snapped out immediately in a huffy tone, his gaze flicking to something across the room grumpily. Even then, his fingers curl into the sheets at his sides and he feels guilty. He relents, but only slightly.]
I told Jojo when Gon disappeared... We were both training with him. [He pauses, and his grip doesn't loosen on the sheets.] What was I supposed to tell everyone?
That they were ported out. I'm sure Gon's made a lot of friends who are going to miss him, [Jaime says as he sits down beside him, and though he counts himself in that category, his voice is gentle rather than accusatory. He's certain that Killua hasn't been careless - if anything, he's probably just been sad.]
I'm glad you told someone, though. Jonathan seems like a really good guy.
[He assumes that he's talking about Jonathan, anyway - and from what little he knows of the man, he's a good candidate for things like that. He couldn't be any more different from Joseph and while Jaime's personally more comfortable with someone who's a little on the ruder side, he can't help but think that Jonathan will be a good influence on the kids.
Or... kid. Singular.]
But... you know it's okay if you're not fine, right?
[Killua spends that whole time trying to stubbornly hang onto his irritation and his pride, but those kind words cause his last attempt at a wall right now to crumble.]
...I know.
[It comes out a little strained. He knows... of course he knows. It's okay, he's learned that, but it still makes him feel weak. Reminds him of how he's useless. He's not sure he has the strength to admit all of that to Jaime right now, but he struggles despite himself to explain as best as he can.]
I can't. [His grip tightens and then releases as he lets his arms rest over his knees, staring at the ground as he hunches over like this.]
I can't tell everyone that Gon went home, knowing what he went back to!
oh nooo OH NO IS THIS CHIMERA ANT SHIT I WASN'T READY
[Jaime watches as Killua practically caves in on himself, and just seeing that, seeing how hard this must be for him, is enough to make his heart twist uncomfortably in his chest. He knows that Killua's had a hard life, that nearly everyone he's surrounded himself with have had hard lives, but it never gets easier to see them in pain.
People call folks like Jaime soft, but it takes an awful lot of strength to keep caring.]
Oh.
[Jaime's gaze softens, but he doesn't look surprised. He knows how this dance goes. He's thought about it often enough himself, about all the people he loves who are going home to terrible things - or worse, don't have a home to return to. More than that, from what he knows of Gon and Killua's world, it's just not a nice place to be, nor is it a safe place to be. It's a place where children like Gon and Killua are allowed to run free amongst pedophiles and murderers, where they don't seem to have a single soul looking out for them as they plunge headfirst into danger and dismemberment.
They're only kids.]
What are you guys going back to?
to be fair is anyone ever ready for chimera ant shit (aka yes)
[He almost doesn't want to say. He already told Jojo, and just saying it all was enough to leave him sobbing. It was embarrassing, it was weak, and it was pathetic. While Gon was back there probably facing everything with Kite again, Killua was left with information further ahead. The realization that the optimism he's back there setting up right now is just going to be more painful in the end.
He interlocks his fingers with each other, pressing them against his forehead as he consciously wills himself to keep it together. It's just a retelling. Simple facts that he owes Jaime.]
He was from before me, but I never told him. We were looking for his dad, but there was a mix up so we ended up with one of his dad's friends instead. It was a lead, so we were happy. Kite was willing to train us, and we traveled with him for a bit to help him look into this type of ant.
These ants can evolve and absorb the DNA of anything they eat, and there was a secluded area where they'd started to eat animals and humans. We headed in there to put a stop to them with Kite.
[His voice wavers and hangs there at the end so that it's clear there's more, but there's a definite pause in his speaking. It's hard to go on past this. To remember it all. How specific should he be? How vague is unfair?
Gon is back there. He's here alone, unable to help, unable to stop himself from this stupid mistake, and the next one that ends with Gon being hurt--!]
Edited (grammar) 2014-12-21 07:16 (UTC)
Re: to be fair is anyone ever ready for chimera ant shit (aka yes)
[Jaime almost doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to know that more people he cares about have to go home to a world that doesn't care about them, where they know horrible things will happen, but he owes it to Killua to ask, and to listen.
There's a big part of him that thinks that this is it, where Killua's from, Gon is dead, but he doesn't dare give voice to that horrible little thought. He rests one hand on Killua's shoulder, even if he honestly just wants to wrap him up in a hug right about now.]
[If Jaime knew how Killua would fall apart at that idea, maybe he'd take some comfort in knowing that this reaction, while clearly heavy, is not anything near what he'd be reacting with if Gon were the one in danger. Somehow, Alluka slips from his mind as something throbs at the back of his head. (Was she even there to begin with?)]
We were almost at the nest. Kite was really, really powerful, but this ant-- it came out of nowhere.
[He closes his eyes tighter, preventing any of the tears working up in his eyes from actually escaping. But his body begins to shake beneath that comforting hand. As fear resurfaces, so does sadness, and the scuffs on his hands are actually healing away beneath his hidden face, there.]
I've never felt an aura that powerful in my life. Nothing even close--! The second I felt it, Kite had already lost his arm!
[It's impossible to forget that look that followed. The fear that gripped him then grips him now, and the throbbing in his head only gets worse. Maybe his body is tricked into thinking he's in danger now. He's not sure, but he can't focus enough to think on it. He can only tense and struggle to keep himself more together than he had with Jojo.
Even if the tears aren't really coming out, sadness shows itself further in the way he chokes out his words.]
Gon was angry; he was going to fight back. We were going to die too if I didn't do something, and so I knocked out Gon and I ran! I left Kite! I left him there to die!
He wakes up and tells me that everything's going to be fine, that I did what I should have because we could save Kite, but that's wrong! It's all wrong! Kite was here until recently, too, and he told me himself--!
[Damn-- Damn. He curls in on himself more, hands parting from each other to grip at his head. It hurts now. He forces his volume back down despite himself.] He's dead. And if Gon finds out, there's no way he'll react calmly... There's no way he'll be okay.
[Jaime will never say what he feels at that explanation out loud, not to Killua and certainly not to anyone else. Relief and happiness slam into him like a brick wall once he realizes that though he's gone into an awful situation, Gon is alive. Thank god, he thinks to himself. Thank god.
It probably makes him a terrible person to be happy at someone else dying, and he'll feel guilty about it later, but even he can't be a good person all the time. Past his relief, however, is the all-too predictable horror of what Gon and Killua are facing back home, and the things they've already seen, and the things they have yet to see.]
Oh, Killua, [he says, nothing but dismay in his voice, and it doesn't take him long after that to wrap him up in a hug. There's not much else he can say, not much else he can do, but he gives good hugs. His whole family does.
He's not sure if it will be a welcome gesture, but it's the first thing to pop into his head.]
I'm so sorry.
[And he is. He's just not as sorry as he would be if it were Gon that had died.]
[It's not unwelcome, but it doesn't feel right. Jonathan had given him one too, and while it was warm and comforting just like this one, he felt guilty just accepting it. Why should anyone feel sorry for him? If somehow he could have done something to warn Kite, or if they hadn't gone in to distract him at all. He should have picked up on that aura sooner, but he hesitated. And then, he had to leave him to die.
All of it was wrong.]
Hisoka... He let it slip that Gon gets really hurt later, but he wouldn't tell me anything aside from it being my fault and that I fix it.
[It's muffled and quiet compared to the earlier works as he reluctantly sinks into that hug, or at least halfway sinks into it.] I'm sorry I didn't tell you or anyone else. I'm just selfish.
Nobody will be mad at you for not telling anyone, Killua. It's okay to be selfish sometimes.
[His stomach twists at the thought of Gon getting really hurt, and while his first instinct is to assert that Hisoka was just lying to get a rise out of Killua... for all his faults, Hisoka has never been anything but honest, as far as Jaime could tell. What did he have to gain from telling Killua something like that?]
[He considers that for a moment, letting the hug linger for a few seconds longer before one of his arms raise. It's half like a return hug, but it's incredibly brief. With just that quick touch, he's pulling back and rubbing at his eyes with the other hand, scrubbing them dry.]
...I'm fine, really. It's Gon that I'm worried about. I need to be with him, whether it's here or there.
[Jaime pulls back as soon as Killua does. And there it is again, he thinks to himself, the sentiment that what Killua wants doesn't really matter so long as he's with Gon. That can't be a good thing, but now's not the time to talk about it.]
You know that no time is actually passing back in our homes, right? That means that even if he gets to move forward in time to catch up with you, he's still gonna be with you.
I know. [That's what they say, at least. He hasn't heard any specific evidence, but people have been here long enough that he's willing to assume in this case. Especially when it's a more positive thought.]
But it's still not enough. And now I'm-- [All alone.
But that sounds dumb, and he cuts himself off, bringing his hands to his lap and staring at them for ten seconds or so. Once he's finished with that, he lifts his gaze back to Jaime, lightening it up considerably, even if it does seem to be a jump-started motion.]
Sorry. I know things should work out, but Gon's the one who's positive and stubborn. I'm just used to telling him to look at things more realistically.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text
But what does he say here? It's awkward to be reached out to in this way. It happened so little, and only recently... Somehow, though, guilt is at the front of his mind when it comes to this text.]
sorry for not coming over lately
its not that im not ok or anything im fine
but gon and alluka were sent back home. i should have told you
text
You don't have to know Jaime that well to know that he doesn't buy Killua's claims that he's fine or that almost immediately, his heart bleeds for the kid. He doesn't say that. Instead...]
Are you home right now?
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why?
[He has a feeling, but-- He said he was ok, didn't he? He wasn't expecting this... how do you handle this?]
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Unless you mind?
[Then again, that would mean that things definitely aren't okay.]
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no i dont mind
[He hasn't been up to too much, after all. Right now, he just so happened to be training his nen-- but he did that all the time, and much more recently than usual.]
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[Which is all the notice Jaime gives Killua before he grabs his sweater, slips on his shoes, and jogs out the door. He doesn't believe Killua when he says that he's okay, but he can believe that Killua believes it.
If there's one thing he's learned during his stay here, it's that kids with traumatic childhoods - about half of the people here, he thinks, a bit gloomily - repress like crazy. It worries him that Killua's response to his friends and family being ported out was to, evidently, tell nobody and retreat inside his shell.
Which is why it's not long before Jaime's knocking at Killua's door - without checking to see whether or not it's unlocked. He's got manners.]
perma-action
Of course, if that's not noticed, Jaime can be greeted with a shock at the first bump of physical contact. Woops.]
Hey, Jaime. [The smile's still there, despite it all, and Killua's trying to look bright. He does feel guilty for hiding away.] Let's head to my room.
[There were a lot of people here, so that was more his 'space' than the rest of it.]
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Hey, there. What've you been doing, sticking your fingers in sockets? [He asks as he follows Killua up to his room, and though there's a jokey sort of tone to his voice, he knows that there's more to it than just a little excess static. It's less important than his sister and Gon leaving, but it's a curiosity all the same.]
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Oh, no. I use a cut wire and wrap it around my hand. [He even gestures to illustrate it, and sure enough, that hand is looking a little scuffed up. (Though not nearly as much as it should be, all things considered.) He shuts the door behind them once they arrive, and his room is probably cleaner than one would expect.
The only thing is the bed is unmade and there is, in fact, a cord plugged into the socket with nothing attached.]
You came over pretty fast...
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[Jaime frowns once he sees that wire sitting on the bed, but the Scarab is saying, very reasonably, that Killua is entirely unharmed. It probably has something to do with his powers (lightning powers, he thinks, kind of like the ones that Static has), but that doesn't make the idea of Killua purposely electrocuting himself ostensibly to train any more palatable.
He picks up the bit of torn wire that still has the protective covering wrapped securely around it, but not for any particular reason other than the fact that he's naturally fidgety. As he looks down at it, he answers, somewhat absently,] I'm just speedy.
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Careful. [Yes, he's the one worriedly saying that to Jaime as he picks up the wire, protective portion or not.] I've been exposed to that sort of thing since I was born, so it doesn't really affect me. You can still hurt yourself!
[Safety first! Laughtrack on repeat.] Anyway...
[Speedy, that's one way of putting it. He hops to sit on the edge of his bed, feet dangling off the side as he watches Jaime with a small frown that's actually pretty shielded by default.] I've just been training, so I don't really know what you want to do. I don't have any cool snacks or anything like that here, either.
[He ate them all.]
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Don't worry, I didn't come to mooch off your snacks.
[That's Killua's job.]
I just wanted to see how you were doing. I know you said you're fine, but... did you just not tell anyone that they got Ported out?
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To everyone else who knew so little, it seemed unfair to dump all that on them. Even if this was genuine concern, and a good thing, he grew defensive.]
I said I was fine, so I'm fine!
[That's why that's snapped out immediately in a huffy tone, his gaze flicking to something across the room grumpily. Even then, his fingers curl into the sheets at his sides and he feels guilty. He relents, but only slightly.]
I told Jojo when Gon disappeared... We were both training with him. [He pauses, and his grip doesn't loosen on the sheets.] What was I supposed to tell everyone?
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I'm glad you told someone, though. Jonathan seems like a really good guy.
[He assumes that he's talking about Jonathan, anyway - and from what little he knows of the man, he's a good candidate for things like that. He couldn't be any more different from Joseph and while Jaime's personally more comfortable with someone who's a little on the ruder side, he can't help but think that Jonathan will be a good influence on the kids.
Or... kid. Singular.]
But... you know it's okay if you're not fine, right?
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...I know.
[It comes out a little strained. He knows... of course he knows. It's okay, he's learned that, but it still makes him feel weak. Reminds him of how he's useless. He's not sure he has the strength to admit all of that to Jaime right now, but he struggles despite himself to explain as best as he can.]
I can't. [His grip tightens and then releases as he lets his arms rest over his knees, staring at the ground as he hunches over like this.]
I can't tell everyone that Gon went home, knowing what he went back to!
oh nooo OH NO IS THIS CHIMERA ANT SHIT I WASN'T READY
People call folks like Jaime soft, but it takes an awful lot of strength to keep caring.]
Oh.
[Jaime's gaze softens, but he doesn't look surprised. He knows how this dance goes. He's thought about it often enough himself, about all the people he loves who are going home to terrible things - or worse, don't have a home to return to. More than that, from what he knows of Gon and Killua's world, it's just not a nice place to be, nor is it a safe place to be. It's a place where children like Gon and Killua are allowed to run free amongst pedophiles and murderers, where they don't seem to have a single soul looking out for them as they plunge headfirst into danger and dismemberment.
They're only kids.]
What are you guys going back to?
to be fair is anyone ever ready for chimera ant shit (aka yes)
He interlocks his fingers with each other, pressing them against his forehead as he consciously wills himself to keep it together. It's just a retelling. Simple facts that he owes Jaime.]
He was from before me, but I never told him. We were looking for his dad, but there was a mix up so we ended up with one of his dad's friends instead. It was a lead, so we were happy. Kite was willing to train us, and we traveled with him for a bit to help him look into this type of ant.
These ants can evolve and absorb the DNA of anything they eat, and there was a secluded area where they'd started to eat animals and humans. We headed in there to put a stop to them with Kite.
[His voice wavers and hangs there at the end so that it's clear there's more, but there's a definite pause in his speaking. It's hard to go on past this. To remember it all. How specific should he be? How vague is unfair?
Gon is back there. He's here alone, unable to help, unable to stop himself from this stupid mistake, and the next one that ends with Gon being hurt--!]
Re: to be fair is anyone ever ready for chimera ant shit (aka yes)
There's a big part of him that thinks that this is it, where Killua's from, Gon is dead, but he doesn't dare give voice to that horrible little thought. He rests one hand on Killua's shoulder, even if he honestly just wants to wrap him up in a hug right about now.]
But something bad happened.
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We were almost at the nest. Kite was really, really powerful, but this ant-- it came out of nowhere.
[He closes his eyes tighter, preventing any of the tears working up in his eyes from actually escaping. But his body begins to shake beneath that comforting hand. As fear resurfaces, so does sadness, and the scuffs on his hands are actually healing away beneath his hidden face, there.]
I've never felt an aura that powerful in my life. Nothing even close--! The second I felt it, Kite had already lost his arm!
[It's impossible to forget that look that followed. The fear that gripped him then grips him now, and the throbbing in his head only gets worse. Maybe his body is tricked into thinking he's in danger now. He's not sure, but he can't focus enough to think on it. He can only tense and struggle to keep himself more together than he had with Jojo.
Even if the tears aren't really coming out, sadness shows itself further in the way he chokes out his words.]
Gon was angry; he was going to fight back. We were going to die too if I didn't do something, and so I knocked out Gon and I ran! I left Kite! I left him there to die!
He wakes up and tells me that everything's going to be fine, that I did what I should have because we could save Kite, but that's wrong! It's all wrong! Kite was here until recently, too, and he told me himself--!
[Damn-- Damn. He curls in on himself more, hands parting from each other to grip at his head. It hurts now. He forces his volume back down despite himself.] He's dead. And if Gon finds out, there's no way he'll react calmly... There's no way he'll be okay.
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It probably makes him a terrible person to be happy at someone else dying, and he'll feel guilty about it later, but even he can't be a good person all the time. Past his relief, however, is the all-too predictable horror of what Gon and Killua are facing back home, and the things they've already seen, and the things they have yet to see.]
Oh, Killua, [he says, nothing but dismay in his voice, and it doesn't take him long after that to wrap him up in a hug. There's not much else he can say, not much else he can do, but he gives good hugs. His whole family does.
He's not sure if it will be a welcome gesture, but it's the first thing to pop into his head.]
I'm so sorry.
[And he is. He's just not as sorry as he would be if it were Gon that had died.]
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All of it was wrong.]
Hisoka... He let it slip that Gon gets really hurt later, but he wouldn't tell me anything aside from it being my fault and that I fix it.
[It's muffled and quiet compared to the earlier works as he reluctantly sinks into that hug, or at least halfway sinks into it.] I'm sorry I didn't tell you or anyone else. I'm just selfish.
I just wanted to stay here with him.
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[His stomach twists at the thought of Gon getting really hurt, and while his first instinct is to assert that Hisoka was just lying to get a rise out of Killua... for all his faults, Hisoka has never been anything but honest, as far as Jaime could tell. What did he have to gain from telling Killua something like that?]
You've got a lot on your plate.
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...I'm fine, really. It's Gon that I'm worried about. I need to be with him, whether it's here or there.
[He'll follow him. It doesn't matter.]
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You know that no time is actually passing back in our homes, right? That means that even if he gets to move forward in time to catch up with you, he's still gonna be with you.
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But it's still not enough. And now I'm-- [All alone.
But that sounds dumb, and he cuts himself off, bringing his hands to his lap and staring at them for ten seconds or so. Once he's finished with that, he lifts his gaze back to Jaime, lightening it up considerably, even if it does seem to be a jump-started motion.]
Sorry. I know things should work out, but Gon's the one who's positive and stubborn. I'm just used to telling him to look at things more realistically.
[He's off balance, here.]
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