[He's got a point, he thinks, and panics. Illumi's going to find him. He's not ready for this at all! He's frozen in place in a candy shop with a bunch of people beginning to get worried about his posture and expression. If he leaves, it'll be an even bigger scene.
What does he want? To find out what's been going on? To get things out of him he doesn't want to share, or make him stop making all these friends-- If he's seen the network...
Agh, it doesn't matter what he wants! He could want to talk over coffee and Killua still wouldn't want it! But what does he do?
One thing he doesn't do is reply to that voice message. It's crazy, but something tells him to contact Jaime. He's the only one who vaguely understands what he's talking about when he says 'big brother', right? Aside from Gon, who he doesn't want to get involved. Well, he doesn't want anyone to get involved...
More overthinking!! Damn it, he'll just tell him! For now, he stays in this little rundown candy shop, moving to hide himself in the bathroom. Just for now!]
[Has Illumi ever wanted to talk over coffee, in fairness. What he wants right now is to situate himself in this new city and reorganize his goals a little bit. Killua is here, and he's sure there's a decent sized knot of people waiting to interfere if Killua mentions him at all.
He can't have that. This won't be a one-time ordeal; never is. However. Illumi has patience, and a whole new set of things to figure out how to use to his advantage.
Like network google.]
Here's what I think: [god he's still there] You're out somewhere alone, or someone else would have interrupted by now. Gon must be somewhere else- at home? [A little Hm! as if that's a very interesting idea.] You lack the resolve to come and find me, so you've been getting weak. There are more things now you're going to try and hide from me, if only because of the lapse in time.
[By not saying anything, he's giving him tons of information. What's he supposed to do? What can he do? Run, run, run-- the echoes in the back of his mind are becoming louder by the second. With each observation Illumi makes, he feels more panic. More loss.
More like he's going to be found.
But he can't have that. If silence could tell him this much, meeting him in person would tell him even more. He doesn't want him to know anything! He doesn't want him to be here!]
leave me alone!!
[A desperate retort, but one he only hopes will help cover the fact that he's trying to talk to someone else at the same time. Silence could be a lot, right?]
did i ask for this life? wistful stare into horizon
[From Illumi's end, where there is still background noise, there comes the distinct jingle of a bell set to ring with the opening of a door. He's entered a store, presumably - probably hasn't just taken to pushing doors open, for the sake of his game - he's entered a store, and one kitschy or at least ordinary enough to have a bell on its front door.
Wherever that could be, in a city of this size. The noise of the street fades away with another jingle, as the door closes and he enters whatever shop this is, replaced with much quieter sounds of other patrons' conversations.
With no inflection, as if the words are automatic and he could not care less, he says:] I can't do that, Killua. I'm your brother.
[Those bells sound, and he feels like it's a tool. He's using them to draw him out. To make him feel nervous enough that if he's inside anywhere, he leaves. He wants to resist that and stay put, but he can't. It's physically painful when he tries to resist, and eventually, the panic gets to be too much and he leaves the bathroom, and then the store.
People stare after him and whisper, and that's no good, but he ignores it, skidding into an alleyway to jump up onto a roof using the sides of the buildings. Even more apparent, from up here, but he can get a good enough view to find a spot to head.
And there it is. He jumps down into traffic on the other side, causing at least two horn honks as he gets up and starts walking casually in one direction. He pulls a hood over his head, pockets his free hand, and keeps his pace quick.
None of this is going to help.]
youre wrong i dont have to explain anything to you. and im not going to. if you want to keep trying to find me then fine but you wont
[...Brave, firm words that don't really match his fear, but he sends them anyway.]
[Illumi doesn't answer immediately, after that. The ambient sounds of the store continue without incident - it seems no one there is interested in one man on the phone enough to really listen to what he said.
He doesn't have to endure Killua's protests, he thinks. How hard would it be to threaten Gon and put a little effort into actually finding him? That would draw Killua out. He doesn't have to read these words that sound like Killua is trying to convince himself more.
But. The things he wants to know, people and moments he wants to place in order to handle things properly here. He'll come right out and ask,]
What happened to Alluka?
[There is that. To the point (with only the usual amount of disdain), to put off going in circles a little more. The bell jingles again- he's left the store, after deciding Killua must not have been in there.]
The name brings back a wave of memories that he'd forgotten about until now. Damn it, that kept happening. Was it Illumi's fault? He knew she was here? He must have found him through the network after all. That gave him a better idea of how things were going down too, then. Not that it helped.
Again, he nearly damages his phone. For any unlucky individual who manages to steal a glance of his expression under his hoodie, they'll see something darker threatening to leak through. But no, he can't-- He can't let his presence be shown in any way.
Taking a few deep breaths in and out, he focuses. In this case, answering or not answering doesn't matter. Answering may even be better in this case. What else can he do?]
[Ah, a confirmation. Alluka was here and went back, as he suspected - that thing showed up in network records, but no ID pinged back for a person still present. That Killua will tell him as much, and without trying to refuse him, confirms it extra; he must think Alluka is safer at home than here.
Aha, is that Illumi's fault? And after he promised Alluka's (relative) freedom (barely), too...]
And you didn't. Alluka must be lonely.
[There's something wrong with the progression of time, here, based solely on months of records supposedly made when he was actively speaking to them both in their own world - but at the same time, there's nothing to guarantee Alluka isn't at home entirely without Killua's protection, right now.
Pity, he'd almost prefer dealing with that, before continuing this game with Kil.]
According to this, [helpful google machine] that was enough time running around away from home. Your selfishness put a lot of people in danger.
[This just in: it's Killua's fault Alluka showed up to this world in the first place.]
[By now, he's hiding at Jaime's. It's a guess-- he doesn't think Illumi has any real means of stalking him outside of using information he'd given over the network, or public things like housing, so this should be fine. How would he know which person he occasionally spoke to on the network he might hideout with? Which city he'd be in?
Still, this message does interrupt his panicked explanations, and he's pretty pissed at casual mentioning of Alluka when he knows that someone treats her as he does... He's not going to fight back against that lonely comment. He's not going to tell him he's with her back home, too.]
dont talk to me about putting people in danger thats all you DO
[He's so mad, and probably the only thing keeping him calm is the fact that he should be calm for Jaime's sake. There's benefits to friendship!! He swears.]
im not a killer anymore
[This isn't helping, he realizes, even as he sends it. He's just playing into his hand, isn't he? Out of aggravation, he gets a little more bold again.]
[No, no there aren't. Stop at once. Not that Illumi is aware of where Killua is or who he's with, but on PRINCIPLE...
That said, Killua still seems to think he can walk away from being a Zoldyck. That's not how it works - it's impossible. Illumi has believed that for long enough, the alternative is truly alien.
Which is probably why he's still talking as if this is a natural conversation and not Killua repeatedly trying to get away from his responses, in the end.]
It isn't something you can quit. You weren't born for anything else but this.
[He considers, then chooses not to rise to that bait. Instead, icily:]
[It's those words that strike him personally. Everything Illumi has said has been pointed and harmful to the state of his mind right now, but this especially. A weapon?
The feelings he felt while Gon was missing resurface. Hisoka's words about him letting Gon get hurt in the future. Emotionally, he cracks a little.
A weapon... He's not a weapon! He doesn't want to be, not anymore! That's exactly why he quiet, and why he's traveling with Gon now! Did Illumi think he could just drag him back to this?! No, he wasn't going to! He wasn't going to lose his friend, he wasn't going to let him get hurt, he wasn't-- (These were lies. Already, he was lying.)
He almost replies, but he forces the phone down, clutching it tightly. No.
[Illumi waits a few minutes, after his last message. As they drag on, he assumes he finally hit his mark; there's still, apparently, a part of Killua he can press under his thumb until it cracks, and the rest of his resolve crumbles. He'd expected a little more fire, truthfully - a little more threats to take action, rather than nothing but refusals down the line until he broke.
Odd. Maybe it's because Alluka is gone. Their attachment has always sat poorly with Illumi, and it stands to reason it's causing Killua problems even now.
But with Killua apparently down for the count - it's been several minutes now, and nothing - Illumi thinks he might as well move on for the moment to other things. This city might be unfamiliar, but he's tracked Killua across entire continents before, so what exactly is a few more city blocks? He can wait.
He will.
Not, however, without a final comment, just when it seems like he might keep his mouth shut. He has the nerve to use that tone again, brittle-bright:]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
NO???? returns all of this to sender
What does he want? To find out what's been going on? To get things out of him he doesn't want to share, or make him stop making all these friends-- If he's seen the network...
Agh, it doesn't matter what he wants! He could want to talk over coffee and Killua still wouldn't want it! But what does he do?
One thing he doesn't do is reply to that voice message. It's crazy, but something tells him to contact Jaime. He's the only one who vaguely understands what he's talking about when he says 'big brother', right? Aside from Gon, who he doesn't want to get involved. Well, he doesn't want anyone to get involved...
More overthinking!! Damn it, he'll just tell him! For now, he stays in this little rundown candy shop, moving to hide himself in the bathroom. Just for now!]
why are you so rude, why is illumi so rude, why
He can't have that. This won't be a one-time ordeal; never is. However. Illumi has patience, and a whole new set of things to figure out how to use to his advantage.
Like network google.]
Here's what I think: [god he's still there] You're out somewhere alone, or someone else would have interrupted by now. Gon must be somewhere else- at home? [A little Hm! as if that's a very interesting idea.] You lack the resolve to come and find me, so you've been getting weak. There are more things now you're going to try and hide from me, if only because of the lapse in time.
How is that so far?
you're surrounded by rude and that will never end
More like he's going to be found.
But he can't have that. If silence could tell him this much, meeting him in person would tell him even more. He doesn't want him to know anything! He doesn't want him to be here!]
leave me alone!!
[A desperate retort, but one he only hopes will help cover the fact that he's trying to talk to someone else at the same time. Silence could be a lot, right?]
did i ask for this life? wistful stare into horizon
Wherever that could be, in a city of this size. The noise of the street fades away with another jingle, as the door closes and he enters whatever shop this is, replaced with much quieter sounds of other patrons' conversations.
With no inflection, as if the words are automatic and he could not care less, he says:] I can't do that, Killua. I'm your brother.
How long can you keep this up with no resolve?
u deserve it, at least
People stare after him and whisper, and that's no good, but he ignores it, skidding into an alleyway to jump up onto a roof using the sides of the buildings. Even more apparent, from up here, but he can get a good enough view to find a spot to head.
And there it is. He jumps down into traffic on the other side, causing at least two horn honks as he gets up and starts walking casually in one direction. He pulls a hood over his head, pockets his free hand, and keeps his pace quick.
None of this is going to help.]
youre wrong
i dont have to explain anything to you. and im not going to.
if you want to keep trying to find me then fine
but you wont
[...Brave, firm words that don't really match his fear, but he sends them anyway.]
that sounds like a curse
He doesn't have to endure Killua's protests, he thinks. How hard would it be to threaten Gon and put a little effort into actually finding him? That would draw Killua out. He doesn't have to read these words that sound like Killua is trying to convince himself more.
But. The things he wants to know, people and moments he wants to place in order to handle things properly here. He'll come right out and ask,]
What happened to Alluka?
[There is that. To the point (with only the usual amount of disdain), to put off going in circles a little more. The bell jingles again- he's left the store, after deciding Killua must not have been in there.]
um with me in your life it is a blessing, ok
The name brings back a wave of memories that he'd forgotten about until now. Damn it, that kept happening. Was it Illumi's fault? He knew she was here? He must have found him through the network after all. That gave him a better idea of how things were going down too, then. Not that it helped.
Again, he nearly damages his phone. For any unlucky individual who manages to steal a glance of his expression under his hoodie, they'll see something darker threatening to leak through. But no, he can't-- He can't let his presence be shown in any way.
Taking a few deep breaths in and out, he focuses. In this case, answering or not answering doesn't matter. Answering may even be better in this case. What else can he do?]
she went back to our world.
[So, he can drop that. He better drop that.]
is it..... are you deceiving me...
Aha, is that Illumi's fault? And after he promised Alluka's (relative) freedom (barely), too...]
And you didn't. Alluka must be lonely.
[There's something wrong with the progression of time, here, based solely on months of records supposedly made when he was actively speaking to them both in their own world - but at the same time, there's nothing to guarantee Alluka isn't at home entirely without Killua's protection, right now.
Pity, he'd almost prefer dealing with that, before continuing this game with Kil.]
According to this, [helpful google machine] that was enough time running around away from home. Your selfishness put a lot of people in danger.
[This just in: it's Killua's fault Alluka showed up to this world in the first place.]
i would never do such a thing bats eyelashes
Still, this message does interrupt his panicked explanations, and he's pretty pissed at casual mentioning of Alluka when he knows that someone treats her as he does... He's not going to fight back against that lonely comment. He's not going to tell him he's with her back home, too.]
dont talk to me about putting people in danger
thats all you DO
#doubt
He's still outside somewhere, too, but the noise of traffic and people has gotten quieter. A rooftop? Knowing him, anyway-]
Ha ha ha! [ah] Don't be so self-righteous, Kil. A killer doesn't have any right to object.
[He's dropped the Alluka subject, at least. Out of sight, out of mind—that's the whole point.]
no subject
im not a killer anymore
[This isn't helping, he realizes, even as he sends it. He's just playing into his hand, isn't he? Out of aggravation, he gets a little more bold again.]
you still cant find me
no subject
That said, Killua still seems to think he can walk away from being a Zoldyck. That's not how it works - it's impossible. Illumi has believed that for long enough, the alternative is truly alien.
Which is probably why he's still talking as if this is a natural conversation and not Killua repeatedly trying to get away from his responses, in the end.]
It isn't something you can quit. You weren't born for anything else but this.
[He considers, then chooses not to rise to that bait. Instead, icily:]
What do you think you are if not a weapon?
no subject
The feelings he felt while Gon was missing resurface. Hisoka's words about him letting Gon get hurt in the future. Emotionally, he cracks a little.
A weapon... He's not a weapon! He doesn't want to be, not anymore! That's exactly why he quiet, and why he's traveling with Gon now! Did Illumi think he could just drag him back to this?! No, he wasn't going to! He wasn't going to lose his friend, he wasn't going to let him get hurt, he wasn't-- (These were lies. Already, he was lying.)
He almost replies, but he forces the phone down, clutching it tightly. No.
He did quit.]
no subject
Odd. Maybe it's because Alluka is gone. Their attachment has always sat poorly with Illumi, and it stands to reason it's causing Killua problems even now.
But with Killua apparently down for the count - it's been several minutes now, and nothing - Illumi thinks he might as well move on for the moment to other things. This city might be unfamiliar, but he's tracked Killua across entire continents before, so what exactly is a few more city blocks? He can wait.
He will.
Not, however, without a final comment, just when it seems like he might keep his mouth shut. He has the nerve to use that tone again, brittle-bright:]
Mind your place, Killua. I'll see you soon.